Understanding grief and what helps

What is Grief? 

Grief is the experience we have when we lose something we value. It can happen in the big moments in life like the death of a person we love, but it also happens at many other times; like losing a pet, an ability, the way things used to look or a changing identity. Grief is the process of learning to live with a loss.

Grief is different for everyone and will be shaped by who you are and your life experiences. Grief may not be a straight line and can twist and turn and sometimes appear unexpectedly. Grief can involve lots of different feelings, not just sadness. Some people feel grief in their bodies as well.

In our modern lives people don’t speak much about grief and death and that can make the experience feel lonelier than it needs to be. Acknowledging, sharing and supporting each other through grief is a big part of what helps.

How do I support grief in others?

It’s normal to feel unsure about what to say to a friend or family member experiencing grief. Most of us were not taught how to have these types of conversations and it can feel tricky.  The main thing to remember is that grief can rarely be fixed; as often the loss is permanent, but out of worry and fear we can often say things that can unintentionally feel hurtful like they had a long life.

When it comes to grief, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT is very important. Focus on being present and listening. CONNECTION OVER PERFECTION is a good way to think about it.

Here are a few phrases to keep handy…

  • I’ve been thinking of you…
  • Words don’t feel like much, but I want you to know I’m here
  • Is it ok if I keep checking in each week?
  • How are things going today?
  • Id really like to spend some time with you, is that ok?

And then keep showing up; you can offer types of support, a walk together, cooking a meal or a cup of tea, regular connections really make a difference. What we need when we grieve is the connection of our community.

How do I support grief in myself? 

In times of grief, we need to be kind and gentle with ourselves. We can’t expect to function as we did before the loss. It’s important to take care of ourselves in this time, even thought that might feel hard too.

Grievers told us some of the things that helped them;

  • Spending time with friends and family
  • Being with people who are really listening deeply
  • Speaking or writing to the person who died
  • Listening to music or making art connected to the loss
  • Getting involved in community
  • Being on country and being in nature
  • Lots of hugs
  • Walking and moving

Where do you find strength and connection? Your circle of support is very important when you are grieving. It might be made of people who support you – but there might be much more that helps as well; like nature, professional support, safe and familiar places to go or creative activities that help you feel grounded and connected.

As you grow around your grief, you will keep learning about the kinds of support that is helpful, and your circle of support might change too.

You can download a circle of support worksheet here and create your own.

We have created a gentle grief guide for adults and families called ‘This Is Grief’. You can access a PDF or e-book of this resource here.