Supporting children and young people through grief

• While grieving adolescents may move through emotional highs and lows more quickly than adults, they will be experiencing grief in much the same way. If the loss is significant such as the death of a loved one – the grief may inform the young person’s world view and influence how they come to terms with life’s big questions; that’s all normal.
• Grief may present as a physical experience or impact the way a young person behaves. It might impact how easily they can do the things they used to do like school-work and relationships as they find their way through the grief.

• Be available, providing plenty of listening
• Acknowledge their experience – whatever it is. No right or wrong!
• Reassure them that it is ok to feel what they are feeling, there can be many feelings happening in grief, not just sadness
• Safe spaces and safe people are very important for grief
• Encourage regular conversations and expressions around grief – read books, tell stories, make art, make craft, go for walks, talk about the loss
• Ask them what they would like to do to express their grief – their answers might surprise you!
• Sticking with routines creates security in the changing environment of grief
• If you are also grieving, it’s ok to let them see that, but make sure you let them know that it’s not their job to make you feel better

• Use simple and honest language, use the words dying, dead and died
• They may want to know very specific things about death and its helpful if you can answer them as clearly as possible. Small regular bits of information are helpful. Examples below

• All creative opportunities help with grief – grief likes activity, and it helps us process grief if we do something with our hands and our bodies
  • Some people write letters
  • Read stories together
  • Make a memory box
  • Look at photos together
  • Paint a picture
  • Keep talking about the person or the loss
  • Visit places and make time to keep connections and love activated
  • Some people keep talking to the person who has died, or write letters to them
• Help them feel their feelings – that might mean asking questions like, how do you feel? Can you feel that in your body? What is it like? What would help? Its ok if they don’t know – we might show them some things they can do from the above lists

• Grief can come and go for months to years depending on the loss, that’s normal. Over time the child or young person is learning how to live with the loss and integrate the change.
• Grief can reappear at anniversaries and important times, sometimes across a lifetime. That’s normal too
• Grief is unique and will be influenced by the personality of the CYP, for example are they naturally a sensitive child? We may need to give that child extra reassurance around large losses.
• If a CYP becomes fixated or fearful about grief or death (such that it is interrupting their day-to-day routine) it might be helpful to explore that with a professional

That’s a big question, and I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that dying is part of being alive. Just like a flower or a tree, our bodies start as tiny babies and then we grow and grow. After a long time, the body can become very old and tired, eventually it stops working and we die.

Wondering and talking about this is an important part of being alive. There are many different ideas about dying, and it’s up to each of us to find what feels good and true to us. What do you think might happen when people die?

No, she won’t come back, but we can still talk about her and remember her and how much she loved us and we loved her. Some people even keep talking to the people they love after they die. Is there anything you would like to say to her?

When someone dies, even though they don’t feel anything anymore, we still take care of their body in special ways. Sometimes the body might stay for a few days in the house or a special place. Sometimes we put the body into a beautiful box and then that box goes into the ground, others put it into a special fire which turns the body up into a little pile of ashes and then put those ashes somewhere special. We take very good care of bodies after someone has died.

Funerals are the special time to say goodbye to a person who has died. Everyone who loved them will all come together to remember the person. Their body might be there too in a special box. Sometimes people cry because they are so sad that person has died. Sometimes people sing songs or read a poem for the person. Sometimes people laugh and tell stories about the person. Is there something you would like to do for your person at the funeral?

Yes, one day I am going to die, because everything that is alive, dies someday. Hopefully that doesn’t happen for a long time, when I’m terrifically old! But one thing that doesn’t finish when someone dies, is the love. I will ALWAYS love you.

OLD AGE: They got very old, their body became very old and finally it stopped working and they died. All things that live, eventually die.

SICKNESS: They got a sickness in their body. Even though everyone tried hard to fix it, the sickness got worse and eventually they died from that sickness. I know this might be hard to understand. Its ok to feel sad, angry or anything. Im here with you and you can ask me anything.

ACCIDENT: They were in an accident and even though people tried to help, they were so hurt that their body stopped working and they died. I know this is very hard to understand. It’s ok to feel sad, or angry or anything. I’m here with you and you can ask me anything.

SUICIDE: They died because they found it too hard to be alive; their brain and heart was hurting so much that they made themselves die. I know this is very hard to understand, but it’s important to know that is not anyone’s fault. It’s ok to feel sad, or angry or anything. I’m here with you and you can ask me anything.

If a child asks specifically HOW they made themselves die you might say; They injured their body and it stopped working or they took medicines that stopped their heart working.